Behind the Blue skies is Gray

A Poem for Adam

2010-10-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

in this world where there is nothing but darkness
you came along and showed me brightness
in this world where there is nothing but pain
you eased all the blues away

never have i imagined that i will ever find you
never have i thought of having you
but you came and took my breath away
now with you is where i will always stay

the warmth you give to my heart
tells me that nothing can keep us apart
the joy you bring to my life
shows me the way to the light

your soothing eyes...your sweet smile
your warm touch ...and gentle kiss
all this i would never miss
so i'll hold you tight
i'll hold you near
for when i am with you i have no fear

you give me comfort... you give me strength
you give me love... you brought me life
you're always with me and in my unconcious mind
when i think of you
my world is filled with colourful memories
because of you i have found my complete happiness

Love after the rain

2010-10-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I can still remember how I was left in the rain five months ago. But looking back now, I can say that the pain was worth it. For now, all I can feel is happiness. Five months ago I was crumpled with pain.. someone has hurt me so bad.. and I admit .. I was played. Then I met someone who was gentle and friendly. Always makes sure he is there when I needed someone to talk to. Always vocal and make you know where you stand.. makes you know how he feel.. Genuine enough I would say. I suddenly found myself finding comfort with him. His presence alone made me feel safe, and special.

One day something happened that made me realise that He is someone I would never wanted to lose. But because of fear of getting hurt again, I was having a hard time deciding whether to give it a chance or to just stay as his friend. But the time came that I had to make a decision whether to have him or not. And I have admitted to myself that I would not be able to bare the thought of not having him in my life. So I made the decision and started to go out with him.

Everyday it seems that we became closer and closer. Nobody has ever treated me right before. He made me feel so special. Eversince we were together life changed for me. Gone were the boring days off ... He gave me life... He makes me happy.. This time I am quiet sure I will never be left in the rain without someone to share his umbrella with.. unless we're both under the rain with a special kiss..

I have waited a long time to find someone to love and to be loved back. I always prayed that my soulmate will finally show himself. My Babycakes is worth the long wait... as he made my life perfect and complete when he came and joined me in my sad and lonely life... and now no day is lonely and sad because I know I have him..

Thank you Baby.. you're the best blessing I ever recieved in my life.. I Love You.. xXx

Unloved

2009-12-02T14:11:00.001-08:00

In my 29 years in this lifetime, I have never felt so much pain as I am feeling right now. I can feel my heart breaking into pieces. And I am not sure if I will be able to find the strength to mend it all together. Or even just to stitch it back together. It's so damn painful that it made me do something impulsive which hurt me even more.

I have tried my best to be a good daughter, friend, sister, niece, and auntie. I have my differences of course as I am only human, but I know in my heart of hearts that I did try so hard to fulfill these roles. But I failed. I ain't a good daughter in my father's eyes... that I am too selfish and i have let the whole family down. Maybe he is right, because if I am a good person then why do I feel like I am being punished for something? I tried to do some good deed everyday to catch up on my sins. Yes...I am a sinner. I was not cleansed at all.. everyday I commit a sin. I lie to my residents to assure them that they will be fine.. I have to.. But I guess my good deeds can never compensate with all the wrong things I have done.

It hurts to know...and to feel that in your parents' eyes you're worthless. When everyday when you wake up you think about them, pray for their good health, pray that you will be blessed so that you can help them even more than you have. It hurts to know that the reality was never the illusion you have made yourself believe for the longest time..or in your lifetime... That you are loved by them, and you even believed that they were always in favour of you...then only in a split second everything explodes in your face. The truth... that you are UNLOVED.

And Time Revealed

2009-10-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Time... time signifies a lot in our lives. We need time to make sure we won't be late for work. We need time to do our chores. We need time to think. We need time to heal our broken hearts. We need time to reveal our deepest secrets. We need time to reveal our feelings. I thought I have beaten time, when I tried to keep things to myself for a long long time. Until one day time itself made it's move to make me reveal my deepest secret. It was a horrible feeling when you know you wanted to say it out loud, but you can't. You wanted to shout it out where everybody will hear you and would know what really is inside you, but you can't. Then one day, you just slipped with a couple of words and you had to explain yourself to make things clear. And there you are.. you have revealed your secret.

For eleven years I have kept it hidden within me. That I am in love with you. I have always been in love with you. I have kept you in my heart and I intend to keep you still. Who would not fall for you? You are the most kind and sweetest guy I have ever met. I will always remember how you always made sure I was okay. You would never forget to drop by my classroom to say hello and ask how my day was. You bought me a big bar of chocolate even when you knew I could never finish even a small bar. You were never bothered joining me and my friends when you never used to mingle with girls before.

Eleven years have passed, but all these are still so vivid in my memory. I can remember every detail. And I do miss the past, sometimes I miss it so much that I would just lay on my bed at night thinking about it all night long. Smiling and thinking as if I was there in the flesh. I miss you're being grumpy when things don't go your way. I miss when you're telling me off about something. I miss singing with you under the mango tree. I miss our little talks, even if the topic was very immature. I miss the times when we listen to our favourite oldies music. Or when you hooked me on a particular radio station. I miss the times when we would talk over the phone for hours. That sometimes we run out of conversation but we still listen to each other, and then laugh. I miss the times when we would just sit side by side, saying nothing, just sat their together quietly. hmmm it was more comforting than talking. What I miss most was when all your time and attention was mine and mine alone.

I have revealed my deepest secret just not so long ago. You have no idea how scared I was. As I was not sure how you would take it. For one reason why I kept it is because it might make you leave me. Like I told you, I have accepted the fact that things will never be different for us. I have never dreamed to be your girlfriend. All I want is to be a part of your life forever. And I can be a part of your life forever by being your bestfriend. Losing you all together is my greatest fear. And I was so scared that this will happen after I revealed everything. But you understood how I felt and promised that you will stay with me no matter what happend. Thanking you for keeping me is not enough. I assure you I will always be here. I will always be your bestfriend. I will always be your comfort zone.

Things have changed time had passed. You and I are now both grown ups and have been through a lot of challenges in this life. There was a time when you and I have not talked for months or even years. But after all this time and all this changes that had happend. There are some things that never changed. Our friendship. And my love for you. You and I will always be a part of each other's lives for a lifetime. Hmmmm a lifetime is way too short for me. Let's make it beyond a lifetime.

Now I guess all i wanted to say is thank you for being such a blessing in my life. For being so kind and sweet. For being my very best friend. I love you.. I will always will.. I am looking forward growing old with you.... and whoever our partners in life will be...

My Prayer

2009-06-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

Father, I praise your name, I honour you with your glory. Father forgive me if in the past I have doubted your intentions. If I questioned your love and understanding. If I blamed you for my misfortunes. Forgive me Father if I was in so much anger and hatred in the past, that it went beyond the happy memories and the love I used to have. Forgive me Father if I only take the time to speak to you when I am in my deepest need. If I forget to go and praise you in your house. Father thank you for all the blessings you have given me in my whole 29 years. For the life, the love, family and friends. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayers.

Father I thank you for the chances you have given me to be a more better person. For the guidance and protection. Most of all, thank you for carrying the load when I can no longer go on. In times of my weakness, you are there to give me strength. In times of my sorrow, you are there to give me someone to make me smile. In times of loneliness, you are there to give me comfort. In times when I'm in tears, you are always ready to wipe them dry. In my times of happiness, you make a step back, though you never leave, you only wants to see me in my happiest moment alone. With you I always feel I am most loved.

Father I know you always love it when you see your children asking for so many things. You always love it when we need you at all times. Though sometimes with all the blessings you have given me, I tell myself.. I could not ask for more. But human as I am, I still end up asking.
Father, please carry on protecting me, my family and friends.. Eric and his family. Keep us all safe and healthy.. Don't ever let love leave our hearts.. Please bless my relationship with Eric, I know he came into my life for a reason. And I know why things are taking its time. For the first time in my life. I wasn't rushing things. Thank you for finally making me realize that I can never rush love. Your will be done at all times, Father. I know you only want to see me happy and contented. I will follow whatever it is that is destined by You. Amen...

Holiday in Heaven...

2009-06-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

i always thought that running away from pain and worries is always the answer to all the questions i have in mind. it always worked for me, i'm afraid. in the past, i ran away from the deepest cut i had. moved on three years after got over it completely. six long years i waited to love again, when i did, got hurt easily, ran away from it once more. tried to find solstice from my own home. i was right, home will always be the best place to mend your broken heart. enjoy the views, the hot weather, friends laughters, family's happy memories.

whilst i was in an island from home, enjoying the blue waters and the view. i can't say i have forgotten the pain completely, as there are times when i can still remember it. but then again, time heals all wounds. i carried on walking forward, meeting new people, enjoying company of old friends whom i haven't seen for ages. deep in my heart i wished that one day.. somehow.. someway.. God will lead someone astray and i will find him. and if i do.. i will keep him and would never do anything to hurt him.

as my holiday was nearly ending, a blessing came my way.. i know God answers prayers, but i was not expecting Him to answer mine that quick. though as they say... all the things we asked for or we wanted never comes in one package.. He gave me someone to care for and to inspire me, to make me smile.. but He made sure that this time i won't fall just like that.. He wanted me to take things slowly this time.. to take my time.. our time.. to get to know each other better and to make sure what we feel will be the right feeling and will be on the right time and right place.. now i can say i am happy though we're not committed with each other at this point in time.. but thats the irony of life.. and God is working on us... on our future... Thanks for answering my prayer.. and for blessing me with someone like Eric... :)

Dinggin ang aking panalangin

2009-05-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

nakatingin sa dagat
tinatanaw ang pag lubog ng araw
sadyang napakagandang tanawin
subalit sa puso ko'y may nadaramang sakit
kay gandang lugar ang aking kinaroroonan
subalit bakit ako nalulumbay?
sa isip ko ika'y ni minsa'y hindi nawalay
pinipilit ko na ika'y limutin
upang ako ay makawala sa sakit
at hapding nadarama kapag ikaw ay naiisip.
alam ko na ikaw ay malaya na
sa iyong nakaraan na nanakit sayo ng sobra
ikaw at ako ni minsan ay hindi nagkasundo
walang pag-uusap na hindi nagtatalo
kaya ngayon.. eto ako
nakatingin na lamang sayo mula sa malayo
ang makita kang naka ngiti
sa aking puso ay nagdudulot ng hapdi
pagkat alam ko na ang iyong ngiti
kahit kailan ay hindi dahil sa akin
eto ako ngayon nakatingin sa langit
naka tingala sa mga ulap at nananalangin
na sana ang sakit na nadarama ay mapawi
nitong maganda lugar na aking kinaroroonan
sana lahat nang sakit ay makalimutan

Mahal pa rin kita

2009-04-23T02:40:00.000-07:00

Maraming mga tanong sa aking isipan
Ako ay nahihirapan mag hanap ng kasagutan
Maraming mga bagay ang pumapasok sa aking isipan
Mga bagay na akala noon ko pa kinalimutan
Sa tagal ng panahon ako ay umiwas sa pag-ibig
Umiwas sa pagmamahal at kahit na ano mang damdamin
Inakala ko na ito ang mas makabubuti sa akin
Ang maging manhid para hindi makaramdam ng kahit ano’ng sakit
Subalit nito’ng nakaraang buwan lamang ako’y nag mahal muli
Sa isang kaibigan na ako ay hindi kayang mahalin
Noong una inakala ko na ito’y awa at hindi pag-ibig
Sapagkat sya ay dumaranas ng sobrang sakit
At bilang isang kaibigan ako ay handang umalalay at makinig
Subalit noong huli ako ay nakadama na ng sakit
Ako ay nagsimula nang mag tanong sa aking sarili
Bakit ako nasasaktan? Bakit ako umiiyak?
Hindi ba kami ay mag kaibigan lamang?
Ang mga tanong na ito hanggang ngayon ay nasa aking isipan
At ako ay nahihirapan mag hanap ng kasagutan
Ako ay umiwas sa pag aakala na ito ay makakatulong sa akin
Subalit lalo lamang ako nangulila at napapaisip
Paano kung maari mo pala akong mahalin sa huli?
Paano kung mag bago ang iyong damdamin?
Ako ay muli’ng bumalik sa iyong tabi
Naging kaibigan at taga pakinig
Ngunit nalaman ko na ikaw ay may minahal nang iba
Gumuho lahat ng aking pag asa
Tumulo ang aking mga luha
Ang puso ko ay nasasaktan ng sobra
Ngayon sinubukan ko muling lumayo
Kahit pagiging kaibigan mo ay tinalikuran ko
Masakit ngunit ito lang ang tanging paraan ko
Upang mga sugat ko ay gumaling at ako ay makatayo
Ang malamang ikaw ay Masaya sa piling niya
Masakit ngunit ako din ay natutuwa
Na ikaw ay nakakita na ng para sayo
Sa ngayon ako ay nanatiling nagmamahal sayo
Hindi ko alam kung kailan ito mawawala sa aking puso
Mahal kita ngunit may mahal kang iba
Ito ang kinakaya kong tanggapin sa aking puso’t isipan.
Sa ngayon sana ako ay iyong hayaan
Na mahalin ka kahit sa malayuan.

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND

2009-04-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

For the second time in my life I fell in love. After six long years, I have found the courage to love again. But unfortunately, I loved someone whose not meant for me. And for the nth time… I was hurt. Its hard enough when we’re loving someone who can’t love us back, what more falling in love with a friend?

I had a hard time comforting you whenever you felt pain from your past. I tried so hard to be strong, and focused on the friendship we had, but I failed. I fell in love with you…. I didn’t even realized I was in love with you for a while. As you share your pain and thoughts with me, I don’t know where I got the courage to comfort you. After every conversation, I laid on my bed thinking… when will you ever see me? But then again… we’re mates.. And I know I will always be only a friend to you..

I tried to force myself to hate the feeling I have for you. But I can’t deny the fact that no matter what I still am in love with you. The sad thing is, you know. And you became extra sweet, almost made me felt like I was really loved by you… almost felt real… then you woke me up from that wonderful dream. You told me “ I told you not to take things seriously.” Then I realized that I was doing it again. Loving someone and forgotten all about myself. I then told myself that maybe I have to love myself again as you can never love me back like I wished you would.

Now you’re happy with someone else. And it pains me knowing the reality that you just simply never considered loving me… or even liking me… and it hurts like hell… but there we are.. I have started to walk away from you… and I do intend to walk far…far away from you.. I no longer want to remember your voice… your laughter… your sweetness…. I have walked a bit already.. But I can’t help looking back.. Wishing you’re running after me.. Shouting my name and telling me that you made a mistake.. That you love me.. But all I can see is a picture of you… with another woman in your arms.. And you’re happy… this thought makes my heart bleed… another scar to remind me that I have been through this kind of pain…

Now I am nursing my broken heart…while you are happy with your new love… I do wish this time your relationship will last… and I am sorry if I had to let go of our friendship… I didn’t want to… but being friendly and loving you at the same time is killing me.. I want to say GOODBYE but I can’t.. so I will just leave in silence.. You wouldn’t notice anyway that I’m gone… I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS SO BAD… I’m sorry I DO LOVE YOU.. BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE..

Can or Can't

2009-04-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

In confusion I was drowned
Getting ashore I don’t know how
Treading in the waters
It feels like I’ll be here forever
I wonder when will the moon shine?
It’s like wishing you’ll be mine.

Dreaming of having you is next to impossible
Still I kept on holding to a threadlike chance
You have your heart somewhere else
Still I kept holding my grasp
You already have given your heart and soul
Still I continue to love you on my own

I can feel your pain
I can feel your heart is in vain
I yearn to tell you I love you
I wish I could take your pain away
I hoped it is me you love this much
Though this feeling of hope needs to go

I love you but I know your not there
At the end of the road in the middle of nowhere
No matter how hard I’ll try to find my way to you
You are someone I know I will never be able to hold
Both your hands are held by someone else
I can only watch from a distance with my heart in vain.

---===---

2009-04-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

all i hear is the ticking of the clock
all alone in this world so dark
i can hear my heart beating so fast
and i am thinking — until when will it last?
i can see the rain pouring outside my window
deep inside i feel so empty and hallow
the night is cold and lonely
why do i feel the same inside me?
the courage i had to say i have left the past
was that all only a pretension on my part?
have i really learned to walk a new path?
Dear Lord, please give me strength to last.
i could feel my heart going numb
i am asking myself — can i still love?
if a heart is numb and unable to love
then what would that make me into?
i prayed for my wounds to be healed
so il be able to love and feel
yes.. being numb do take away the pain
but this is one thing i never wish to be
i’d rather be in pain than be someone so unfeeling
i’d rather be stuck in the past
than be in the present with no memories

How To Choose Marriage Partner

2009-04-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on “I get a warm wonderful feeling whenever we’re together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever. So let’s go get married.”
Feelings, as we have discussed, have no longer logic on their own. They need to be acknowledge, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will love with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.
Will this person be a good partner?
Is he mature enough to put his own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family?
Is he prepared to be a good provider?
What is his track record?
Is he responsible enough to get a job and keep it?
Will this person be a good parent?
Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person?
They will, you know.
Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up most of their parents’ traits. You had better like your spouse’s trait’s a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.
If something wee to happen to you, would you completely trust this person alone, with the task of raising and forming your children?
This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration.
Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed.
Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent.
If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person’s influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.
Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school.
Our job is to get them to heaven.
To do that, we need to raise them believing in God and in His church. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes. Saying “This is the right and this is the wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five” does not work.
Small children ask about eight skillion questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go along way toward forming the kind of adults they become.
Who will be answering those questions for your children?
Does this person you are marrying have sexual self- control?
Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong!
There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable-illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others nerves. At times like this, other people who are willing to make them available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said “no” to sex?
If he is not good at saying “no” at eighteen, it won’t make any difference at forty.
Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?
There are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.
None of this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision.
You don’t have to, “Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don’t particularly like you I guess I’ll marry you.”
You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however, must acknowledge that this person as a good catch.
don’t listen to your hear alone or your head alone.
Wait until your heat and head agree…

@=={===

2009-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

Oh the red roe is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove…
The red rose speaks of passion,
And the white rose speaks of love…
But I send you a cream white rosebud,
With flush on its petal tips…
For the love that is purest of passion,
Has kiss of desire the lips…

Eternal Friendship

2009-04-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am lonely
You were there for my comfort
Whenever I am in tears
You were there to make me feel better
Whenever I feel angry
You were there to lighten things up
Whenever I feel disturbed
You were there to put sense in my mind
Distance was never a barrier for us
Time was never an issue
You don’t know how thankful I am for you
Your presence is my security
And may our friendship leas us till eternity….

My Lonely Heaven

2009-04-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

There’s a place where I use to go,
The grass are green, what a lovely meadow.
You can see lots of flowers everywhere,
The scenery would just simply take your breath away.
You can say it’s heaven,
You can say life there is blessed.
You would wish to live there,
Though living won’t be the same.
It’s like living in a dreamland,
And no one will ever understand.
It’s like all your life were wasted,
And that now you feel so hasted.
You’ll ask yourself where were you all along?
What took you so long to find this lovely home?
In this dreamland I wished to live with you,
But you were gone long before I took your hand–
and show you the door.
Now this little heaven seem so gloomy,
The roses died and the skies are gray.
It’s no longer a beauty,
When I pass by I feel so lonely.

LOVE AND LIFE

2009-04-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

It hurts to love someone and not to be love in return
But what is more painful is to love someone
And never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
Before meeting the right one
So that when we meet the right person,
We will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Love is when you take away the feeling,
The passion and the romance in a relationship.
And found out that you still care for that person.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone
Who means a lot to you, and only to find out
In the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
When the door of happiness closes,
Another opens, but oftentimes we look so long at the closed door
That we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and
Swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was
The best conversation you’ve ever had.
It’s true that we don’t know what we got until we lose it,
But it’s also true that we don’t know what
We’ve been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back!
Don’t expect love in return;
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.
There are things you’d have to hear,
That you would never hear from the person
Whom you would like to hear them from,
But don’t be so deaf as not to hear it from one
Who says it from his heart.
Never say goodbye if you still want to try -
Never give up if you still feel you can go on -
Never say you don’t love a person anymore if you can’t let go.
Love comes to those who still hope
Although they’ve been disappointed -
To those who still believe,
Although they’ve been betrayed.
To those who still need to love,
Although they’ve been hurt before.
An to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
An hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
don’t go for looks; they can deceive.
don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a
Smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Hope you find the one who makes you smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone
So much that you just want to pick them from your dream
And hug them for real!
Hope you dream of that special someone…

~UNKNOWN~

Tired of Life

2009-04-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

i feel so tired…mentally.. emotionally.. physically…and i hope not.. but spiritually.. life seems to be going down hill at the moment.. everything is just so wrong.. whatever you do.. your best wasn’t good enough.. or will never be good enough.. seems like the lights has turned to darkness.. the blue skies turned to gray.. spring’s gone and winter has come.. its like walking in a dark forest with nothing with you.. with nobody with you.. no one to reach out to help if ur in need.. no one to talk to when your down.. its like walking in the streets of fire.. get burned and no one cares.. or walking in the rain.. with all the others.. but only you have no umbrella.. and no one is bothered to offer.. its like all the trials are endless.. seems like the tears will never stop from falling.. heart will never stop from breaking.. if only i can open up my own self.. rip off my own heart and take all those not so good feeling.. or open up my skull.. and take out my brain.. and choose only nice things to think of.. unfortunately.. im not that gifted..

Perfect Imperfection

2009-04-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

as i look through the glass window,
i felt my heart breaking slow,
trying so hard not to look,
back to the spot where they stood .
mixed emotions strikes me,
excitement slowly fading away,
depression and sadness embraced my brain,
looking back would bring back all the pain.
walking away i always thought was my best bet,
but my heart and mind was always left–
to those whom i loved so dearly,
whose memories i held tightly.
memories that keeps me strong,
their laughters i always long,
their smiles can weaken me so easy,
their cries can make my anger drift away.
i have an imperfect family,
a dad who can never resist to give,
a mom who works hard but can never be seen,
a sister who always depends
a brother who’se always misunderstood.
yet no matter how imperfect my family is,
i will give everything for their happiness,
i will move mountains for their comfort,
i will wait decades for their understanding,
i will always live for their love.
Their imperfection is like my fuel,
keeps me going through my ups and downs.
Makes me strive more to keep up with their imperfection,
Though at times i can no longer start the ignition.
Just the sound of their voices,
Or a glimpse of their eyes full of struggles and pains,
Could get my brain into focus and gives me adrenaline rush,
Could get me running to give them my warmest touch,
They may have seen me as strong as a bull at times,
But i do have a weakness just as everyone does.
though i always pretend things are okay,
i always put up a stern face so they would know their mistakes,
But deep inside me my heart was like being crushed,
as much as i want to comfort them i need to stand my ground.
And i will never give up in trying to make my imperfect family…
Perfect as perfect can be…

Broken Pieces

2009-04-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

Awaken by a scream, shivering in the cold night… Could not see anybody in sight.. Feeling all alone.. feeling so sad and blue.. looking outside the window.. i can see some fireworks…hmmm it’s a new year i suppose… but why am i so alone.. why am i so sad.. who do i long for? i don’t really know.. is it him.. is it really him? or is it you? why do i still feel this way? i thought i have already turned my back on the past.. hmmm i thought my strength will last.. am i missing you? is that why tears are falling from my eyes right now? or do i feel angry… to who i am not that certain… is it to myself? to you? to her? i wish i have the answers.. my head is spinning.. so many why’s and how’s.. one thing i want to know is.. how can i stop the pain… pain that strikes me whenever i see your face… your smile.. that once i thought was for me… the sparkle in your eyes that once i thought was because of me.. how? tell me how? i have tried so hard to deal with this pain.. but i still lost..it was too strong.. that at times i do feel like im being crumpled into pieces.. will i ever be whole again?

Four Season Beauty

2009-04-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

so autumny, so lonely
sky is gloomy
and you are leaving me
the trees are so lovely
it’s colours are such a beauty
but i have been so sad and bitter lately
coz i know you will be gone quickly
i am here reminiscing the past year
i have never thought to me you will be a dear
but as time passed us by
i have come to love you and your smile
you have been a good companion
you were born to lead your minion
though at times you were misunderstood
for me you are the most good
maybe to some you are a flower that grows in spring
and to others you may be a bossy bitchy thing
but you know you are like that four season of the whole year
and i do love you the way you are, my dear
at times your temper were as hot as the summer
but most of us was captivated by your laughter
you are as beautiful as the spring
yet can be so lonely like how the fall makes us feel
don’t ever be as cold as the winter
for you have friends to warm your empty corners
my lovely four season beauty
your memories makes us feel so lonely
we will surely miss your cutie polish twangs
and your own little wierd langs
to make it simple and short
we will miss the whole bloody polish english woman in you!

Why... Why....

2009-04-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you makes me wonder.. do i feel sad? or am i just bothered? thoughts of you which only pain brings me, in my heart and mind your memory remains. and i wish this pain would just go… go away and would let you know… how much you have hurt me and broke my heart… how i wish what we had never start… You are full of crap.. thinking of you is such a waste of time.. but i still do miss your smile.. and your eyes as they spark..i miss your voice and your laughters… i really miss the old you.. 
Thoughts of you and the past brings so many questions in my mind. Why do we have to drift away from each other? Why do you have to choose? Why do i have to keep my distance? When both of our hearts shouts each other’s names? Why do we have to resist the pull of the irresistable force that bonds us together? Why? Why? 
—===***SiGhS***===—

My Special Sister

2009-04-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

In my past, you have been my comfort…

When i cried, you have lend your shoulder…

When i was in the dark, you have been my spark of light…

When i was down, you pushed me up…

When i was in need, you have provided…

When i was in a mess, you came along and cleaned it…

When i was having a bad dream, you sat beside me and gave me a cuddle…

When i was weak, you became my strength…

Now i have surpassed all those pains and sorrow…

Because of you.. i have seen tomorrow…

You have become my colorful rainbow…

After the stormy days i have been through…

Thank you is such a small word to say to you,

For what you have done for me is much more than a sister would do…

And you know you are not just a sister to me,

You’re my special sister, and you know that’s true…

I do believe you are a part of me..and i am of you…

And no matter what happends i will be here for you…

When things goes the other way around…

Please know that i am here and my love has no bound….

Will I??

2009-04-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

I once felt so complete, so happy and so full of life. A feeling that I hoped will last forever, but never did… I have struggled to move forward. I have tried my best not to cry. I have given my all just to forget the past. And I thought I made it… I thought I did it… And then one day, the past came haunting me like a ghost. Trying to shake my newly regained strength… And I must admit, I was shaken. With just a simple hello, I was shaken… How stupid can I get huh? But I think that’s what it’s all about in this life… to be crumpled and to be shaken by something so painful in the past, so we’ll know how to cross the crossroad. To break down .. or to break through? To give in or to back off? Not very easy.. And at this point of my life I am very confused..I don’t know which way to go.. or should i let myself continue with my journey alone.. or to hold on to the hand reaching out for me.. but the questions that’s i can’t get rid of are.. Will I allow myself to get hurt again? Am I willing to be in so much pain again? Am i willing to go thru it all once more? I guess… not…

Confused Heart

2009-04-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

When a lost love is trying to find it’s way back to you, what would you do? Will you accept it with open arms? Or will you turn your back and walk away, like what he did to you before? Some say never try to regain what is lost, for it will hurt you more. But others say that never walk away to second chance, for it may be the right time and the right love for you.

So which is really the right thing to do? To walk away or to embrace it once more? I only wish I have a clue… I once dreamt of having you, but now..I am not so sure what to do…

Lost Love

2009-04-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Most of us experienced a lost love. We weeped, we whined, we got ourselves get drunk, we got depressed and we tried so hard to regain what’s lost. But, did it ever occur to you that what you’re doing will hurt you even more? Of course not, coz you are too drowned with your misery, you couldn’t see the people who really care for you. Why? coz you are too busy getting yourself drowned into depression, and tends to ignore the other people. Don’t wait for them to get tired from caring, coz when the time comes that you realize your mistakes, they’re gone. 
Don’t even try to regain a lost love. This will only hurt you more. Once a love is lost, it is lost, for whatever reasons you don’t know. It could be that it wasn’t really meant to be yours. That it was just one of the few wrong people you have to meet and love before you get to the right one. Patience is a virtue my dear friends. Wait and I assure you, He will give the best one.
So once a love is lost, let it go. For someday you’ll feel love again and who knows, it will be the right love for you, in the right time and in the right place. So don’t stop loving, for love always comes to those who still love even if they’re hurting.. 

Truth about Love

2009-04-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Love is a wonderful feeling, it is one thing on the top of this life that makes people smile, even if there’s no reason to smile. It makes people forget the time, the errands to run, to past, the pain, and the unhappy moments. What a fortunate person you are if you are in love. But Why doen’t it last most of the time? Why do you feel it only for a month,or a year, some even for days? Why do we love and get hurt in the end? 
One thing we don’t know about love is that, it has it’s own mind. It goes round and search for the one meant for us. We can’t see this, because we are blinded and overwhelmed with the feeling of being in love. The truth about love is, like friends, it comes and goes, some stay some don’t. Crazy but true. Like in friendship, so many people come and go from our lives, but when we find ourselves  some true friends, they stay. So is with love, we have to meet lots of people to fall in love with, and lose them in the end, because they can’t fill all the empty spaces in our lives. They might fill some.. but not all. And when love itself sees that, it chooses to leave. Not to abandon you from falling in love again, but to look for someone which it thinks might be able to fill in all the empty spaces. And once love comes knocking on your door again, be hopeful that it brought you the one who can make your life complete, and can make you whole. If that happends, it’s only that time Love will have it’s rest… 

Faceless Love

2009-04-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

someone so far i really miss
a faceless love in a bliss
someone i love so much 
but i can never see nor touch 
how can a love grow without a face?
in this life full of crap and daze?
how can a love be so deep? 
when you know you are in a situation so steep?
how can you keep on misisng someone
someone so bad that you feel like dying?
how can you love someone so true
so true that you feel like flying?
can a faceless love survive all the rough times?
can a faceless memory linger for all time?
are you brave enough to move forward and see whats beyond?
or you are too scared to see what was bound?
how certain are you that it will show it’s face somehow?
or it will just be another broken vow.
do you think your love will be enough for it to stay?
or you reckon it will fade away
a faceless love can never linger forever
a vivid memory will never be for eternity
if you can’t draw something beautiful out of love 
forget you’ll ever feel love…

The Art of Letting Go

2009-04-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

What is Holding on?Is it when you hang on to one thing you think you can never live without?Or is it loving still even if you know you can never be loved back?Whatever it really means, for me Holding on is, Pain and Happiness… Why? hmmm … Let’s put it this way, You are in love, with someone who doesn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. And you already know you can never have him, but still you pursued whatever you feel. You feel happy coz you see him, you talk to him, you see him smile, hear him laugh, he shared his life with you… But you feel pain coz he shares how happy he was with his only love. But no matter how painful it is you’re still holding the grip so tight that you feel like you can’t let go because you are too scared to feel the worst pain you can imagine. The pain of losing him. So you would rather have the pain with happiness than the pain of losing someone. The question is… Until when can you hang on to someone who can’t love you? Until when can you embrace the pain? Until when will you feel happy? Are you sure he would stay with you forever? All those questions are mostly ignored by us, coz we normally don’t want to entertain thoughts that can awaken us from asleep. 
With Holding on comes Letting Go… is letting go really the answer when you are hurting? Now this is one hard task indeed. You are fighting with no one else but yourself. You have you mind and heart fighting, and this may confuse you of what is really the right thing to do. Would you let go and be in your worst pain? Or hang on and sacrifice? Hard ain’t it? Hmmmm… But it is only simple really. Fight if it is worth fighting. Hold on if you feel he is the one. Embrace the pain if you think someday he can learn to love you back. Otherwise, Let go…coz if you know inside you that he can never love you back no matter what, then no reason for you to hold on and sacrifice for he will never be the one. And what’s the point of fighting for him when he is not worth fighting for?Or should i say.. what’s the use of fighting for someone who never gives you the reason to fight? To let go is one brave thing to do. Coz you are trying to defeat one part of yourself. Let it be you mind or your heart. Fighting with your ownself is one of the  hardest thing to do. But I am so sure that if you will be courageous enough and strong enough, you can win the fight, and can save yourself from more pain. 
So the saying goes "Live and let Live", this is what I always think of. I have a life to live. And i intend to live it and fill it with all happy moments. Let all the bad and sad moments be gone.Let all those wrong people vanish. Start anew and live life the you want it. Remember…life is too short to waste it over someone WASTED. 
*winks*  

Complicated

2009-04-18T15:58:00.001-07:00

can hear no laughters..can see no smiles.. 
can only hear the cry of my heart and mind.. 
can feel no love..can get no care…
can only feel the emptiness and the pain so bare…
when will this suffering end?
when will my heart mend?
when will i feel you in my arms?
to have and hold you is my wish from afar.
i once dreamt that i finally had you
but in my dream you said only friendship will do…
you saw me smile, and you’ll never know
you broke my heart when started to go.
its all my fault im the one to blame
to say no platonic relationship is an excuse so lame.
i fell in love with my own decision
and now to let go and move on i need to pour all my attention.
il let go but il never leave
coz i promised to love u till eternity.

Happiness and Pain

2009-04-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to feel hurt and be happy at the same time? How come when i am alone, i do feel like crying most of the time. Especially when i can’t help thinking about a certain situation which is very complicated. Thinking about it is painful, yes, but just a mere presence of a single person can take all the pain and blues away in an instant. It is a wierd feeling, really, but its real. It does happen, maybe some of you would say its crazy to feel happy when ur hurting. But to some people u just can’t help feeling happy eventhough u feel like crying. complicated ain’t it? mixed emotions are really complicated. you can have a very bad day… full of crap.. but u get just a message or a smile, then ul feel like everything was really ok. that u had a very nice day afterall. at the end of the day, as long as there is someone who can make ur gray skies blue… there will always be a rainbow after every rain in your life. and to the angel on my shoulder, i owe u all the bright days i had, and all the nice feelings i felt…. and thank you for spreading you wings to give me an embrace which made me forget all the pain in my heart….

Happiness

2009-04-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

All the good feelings you once felt can return, except it may be with another person at another time. While you cannot duplicate what you have lost, no one person or situation has the monopoly on being able to bring you happiness. Love, happiness, contentment can reappear in your life in many forms. Don’t get stuck believing only one person or situation can make you happy. Be open to the possibilities. Once something brings us happiness, we humans tend to get stuck believing that only that something can bring us happiness, when in reality many other somethings can also bring us what we desire most.

A Dream of Reality

2009-04-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re real,

Often times I’m blinded with what I feel.

Whenever you’re around I feel like heaven,

But at times I find it hard to believe…

All things are in right places–everything happend so fast,

As much as I love my present–I’m still haunted by the past.

Then I look into your eyes and wish that the time will freeze,

And when you smile, you put my soul at ease.

This beauty and madness gets into me,

Things are a bit complicated– distance gets between you and me,

I hope someday you’ll find the strength to say,

The words that could take my breath away.

Till then I will only see that you’re not just a dream,

That you’re real, as real as I wish you’d be.

Only in my dream....

2009-04-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

Just the sound of your voice makes me smile all through the night,
I wish you’re home so I could hold you tight.
I loved you then–I love you now,
Things haven’t changed somehow.
Forever it will be you in my heart,
I do pray we’ll never part.
In my life it’s only you,
In my heart no one else will do.
Separated by distance–bonded by love and trust,
Our love for each other keeps the flame it’s spark.
We’ve had our share of stormy nights,
But everything is settled before day light.
Though we don’t witness the rising of the sun together,
You and I have a promise to ponder.
You may be too far–Still I can reach you with my mind.
Road may be too tough–Still I could get there before my heart stops.
We may lose our time–Still I’ll always be yours and you’ll always be mine.
Yet in my mind paranoia strikes,
Thoughts of losing you gives my heart painful spikes.
I’d then go out and look at the skies,
Hoping to see a star to wish on tonight.
Wishes that will be carried away by the wind,
Up to the skies to God’s hands revealed.
Sprinkles of stardust–aroma of love,
There you are standing heaven sent from above.
As i look at you, I still couldn’t believe,
That it’s you I see, That you’re here with me. 
As I took your hand in mine, I felt it’s warmth,
When I look into your eyes, I saw it’s spark.
And when we kissed, I tasted your sweetness,
Then gone all the bitterness.
In your smile I see,
What life’s ahead of me,
You and I together for eternity.
My eyes opened as slow as the clock ticking,
My face wet from tears,
My heart’s filled with fear.
My mind embraced millions of thoughts,
So many questions of why’s and how’s.
Everything was just a dream,
My heart is still waiting in vain.
How I wish I could just close my eyes,
And never be awaken,
So that the dream I had will linger forever.

Chaotic Past

2009-04-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you makes me wonder…

From a chaotic past will I ever recover?

Sometimes i see you…

Sometimes i don’t…

I can’t seem to see where this is leading on…

The intensity of pain you caused was unbearable…

Yet here I am– a friend whenever I’m able…

I don’t know how this was possible…

But it’s just insanity for some people…

Some say it could be destiny…

And other says it’s stupidity…

But for me it’s as simple as abc…

There’s a connection between us that others can’t see…

Though we have to face the reality…

That we’re more good as friends than lovers….

Someday, somehow the past will be forgiven…

But what we had was something that can’t be forgotten.

Why ... oh Why?

2009-04-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong

I don’t know why you left

Isn’t my love enough?

Doesn’t it make you complete anymore?

Why do you have to go?

Why do you have to love someone new?

Why was I not enough for you?

Why… tell me why??

Why am I still hurting?

I can’t seem to get over the pain…

I can’t seem to let you go that easy…

I can’t seem to just turn around and walk away.

I don’t know what went wrong

But I know this time I have to let go,

Still my love for you will linger forever

But I have to set you free for her…

A Promise To Forever

2009-04-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

There’s a feeling I feel each time you’re near.

I feel I can fly without falling, no fear

How I became this brave escapes me,

I guess it’s love or I’m just crazy it seems.

So go ahead fall in-love, why don’t you,

You can have it all, or at least say that you do.

For love gives you wings, makes you fly,

So they say, but to steal me a kiss, Wow…

You’d take my breath away…

As I look toward the horizon, I can see,

A reflection of paradise, you’re here with me.

I can see you smile, but then again,

Is it me you’re with, or a friend.

I walk closer to get a look,

My heart skips a beat, with each step i took.

I know now that there’s a chance,

You might ask me to share this dance.

So i brave my way to where you stood,

I know I have it in me, I know I could.

Be the one who’s love is true,

I dream to say "It might be you…"

To give oneself is what love’s all about,

Thats why my head screams and my heart shouts.

Words of love soar through the air,

Like an eagle in flight, without care.

Thats only I promise to give you my all,

My love, my life, my body, and my soul…

I have it all well, so it seems,

prized possessions and broken dreams.

To look deeper into my treasures,

There is one I know that can not be measured.

What is that thing that beats them all,

Is it small, or large, or ten feet tall?

Its not the size, nor shape nor color too,

Of all the things I’ve cherished– its only you…

Promises made, promises broken,

Will I ever see you again, I’m always hoping.

Can my words mean more than just a song,

Will our love last forever? then tell me how long.

My heart still beats for only you,

In my hours of lonliness what should I do.

I gave it my all and so did you,

I broke your heart and my promise too…

I know I’ve hurt you in many ways,

To say sorry, a hundred times you heared me say.

Tell me how can I convince you, not to pull the plug,

That there is more I can do to win you back and start anew.

I’d do anything, anything for you,

So start the music, begin the dance,

I’ll be there with bells on,

If you’ll give me a chance…

The harder I try, I scare you away,

But I need you is what I’m trying to say.

Don’t just say no, think again,

If our love is strong, there will be no end.

Don’t push me away, just hold on tight,

I know I could love you all through the night.

And everyday after will be you and I,

so why does it hurt, the harder I try…

Every love story begins and ends,

We were once lovers, we were once friends.

Through the years we’ve seen it all,

Though our love was strong, we have to fall.

Our expectations took us for a ride,

Now the truth is out, there’s nothing to hide.

Will there be a happy ending?

Read between the lines is the message I’m sending.

Could we one day celebrate a toast,

to have loved at all is what matters most…

Forever is no a word, its a beautiful place,

To get there together is worth every race.

Don’t just say it, believe you can,

And if you can’t hold on and take my hand.

I’ll take you there just wait and see,

I believe it can happen–

Forever you and me…

KaKaI

Have You Found Him Yet?!

2009-04-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Find a guy who’ll kiss you just before the traffic light turns green,

who’ll close his eyes when he hugs you,

who’ll smell your hair every chance he gets,

who’ll wipe your sweat with his hanky,

who’ll sing your favorite song even if he can’t carry the tune,

who’ll let you rest over his shoulder,

who’ll let you sleep on his lap and will give you the first and last bite of his burger,

who’ll squeeze your hand tighter when you squezzed his,

Find someone who occupies your dream every night…

And when you find him…

NEVER LET HIM GO……

A Broken Man

2009-04-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

You are a broken man–you say,

everything is lost before it came your way,

you did tried to be strong,

you keep hiding the pain all along…

it’s been awhile since you saw the light,

i know how hard you tried to keep the fight,

but the time has come for you to see,

that sometimes, things are just not meant to be…

to keep on fighting would only mean losing,

now just yourself but also your pride and dignity,

embrace the pain–no matter hor hard,

in time you’ll see it’s worth the try…

‘coz time heals all wounds–but leaves the scar to stay,

to remind that you loved in the past and survived the pain,

a broken heart would never remain broken,

somehow–someway it would mend

but for a broken man to mend himself,

all you need is a FRIEND who cares.

Surprise... Surprise

2009-04-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Love is a gift, but sometimes it comes in package with pain… and you get it by surprise.

Home Sweet Home

2009-04-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

I feel so empty.. i feel so lonely,
i feel like home would take eternity.
how i wish i would reach the end,
the end of the road and see everybody.
to be in this place was my dream,
to help was my conviction,
to survive is my promise,
and in this endeavor i swore to be strong,
that no distance would make me crumple,
but home will be home….
and i will always long for my home sweet home….

It is a mystery why we fall in-love

2009-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

It is a mystery why it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some love grow and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes. But you will never do anymore than the life out of experience. Just as life itself is something more than the sum of bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body. Love is something more than the sum of interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes in its own time., so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes—hopefully, at least once in your life- the gift of love will come to you in full flower. And you will take hold of it and celebrate it in its inexpressible beauty. This is a dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When it happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift freely given and a gift that just as freely moves away. When they fall out of love, or the person the love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then move on.

They want answers, where there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer love them or not love them at all, or they try to get a lover to change, thinking that if some small things were different, love would bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together, their love would grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened, but there is no meaning fall in-love beyond the love itself and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and accept it. You need to treat what brings All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. you kindness. If you find yourself in-love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love juts didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

Do not take advantage, and do not cause pain. How you deal with love, love will deal with you. And all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in-love with another, and he or she falls in-love with you and then love chooses to leave. Do not try to reclaim it or asses blame—let it go! There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose a moment.

Remember that you don’t choose love… love chooses you…

All you can really do is accept it for its mystery when it comes into your life.Feel the way it fill you to overwhelming, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can.

This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty spaces that will be filled. They begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than learn from them.

In the first blush of new love, they are filled to overwhelming. But as their love cools. They revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that secret of is that is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep this in your heart. Love has it own time. Its own season and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or force it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart of from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do. Love always has been and always be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. If keep your heart open it will come again.

Love always come and go… if it choose to leave from your heart or from the heart of your partner.. just wait for the right time.. who knows maybe you were really meant to be.. yet you just met on the wrong time… when the right time comes.. you’ll find your destiny…