In my 29 years in this lifetime, I have never felt so much pain as I am feeling right now. I can feel my heart breaking into pieces. And I am not sure if I will be able to find the strength to mend it all together. Or even just to stitch it back together. It's so damn painful that it made me do something impulsive which hurt me even more.
I have tried my best to be a good daughter, friend, sister, niece, and auntie. I have my differences of course as I am only human, but I know in my heart of hearts that I did try so hard to fulfill these roles. But I failed. I ain't a good daughter in my father's eyes... that I am too selfish and i have let the whole family down. Maybe he is right, because if I am a good person then why do I feel like I am being punished for something? I tried to do some good deed everyday to catch up on my sins. Yes...I am a sinner. I was not cleansed at all.. everyday I commit a sin. I lie to my residents to assure them that they will be fine.. I have to.. But I guess my good deeds can never compensate with all the wrong things I have done.
It hurts to know...and to feel that in your parents' eyes you're worthless. When everyday when you wake up you think about them, pray for their good health, pray that you will be blessed so that you can help them even more than you have. It hurts to know that the reality was never the illusion you have made yourself believe for the longest time..or in your lifetime... That you are loved by them, and you even believed that they were always in favour of you...then only in a split second everything explodes in your face. The truth... that you are UNLOVED.
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