A Poem for Adam

in this world where there is nothing but darkness
you came along and showed me brightness
in this world where there is nothing but pain
you eased all the blues away

never have i imagined that i will ever find you
never have i thought of having you
but you came and took my breath away
now with you is where i will always stay

the warmth you give to my heart
tells me that nothing can keep us apart
the joy you bring to my life
shows me the way to the light

your soothing eyes...your sweet smile
your warm touch ...and gentle kiss
all this i would never miss
so i'll hold you tight
i'll hold you near
for when i am with you i have no fear

you give me comfort... you give me strength
you give me love... you brought me life
you're always with me and in my unconcious mind
when i think of you
my world is filled with colourful memories
because of you i have found my complete happiness

Love after the rain

I can still remember how I was left in the rain five months ago. But looking back now, I can say that the pain was worth it. For now, all I can feel is happiness. Five months ago I was crumpled with pain.. someone has hurt me so bad.. and I admit .. I was played. Then I met someone who was gentle and friendly. Always makes sure he is there when I needed someone to talk to. Always vocal and make you know where you stand.. makes you know how he feel.. Genuine enough I would say. I suddenly found myself finding comfort with him. His presence alone made me feel safe, and special.

One day something happened that made me realise that He is someone I would never wanted to lose. But because of fear of getting hurt again, I was having a hard time deciding whether to give it a chance or to just stay as his friend. But the time came that I had to make a decision whether to have him or not. And I have admitted to myself that I would not be able to bare the thought of not having him in my life. So I made the decision and started to go out with him.

Everyday it seems that we became closer and closer. Nobody has ever treated me right before. He made me feel so special. Eversince we were together life changed for me. Gone were the boring days off ... He gave me life... He makes me happy.. This time I am quiet sure I will never be left in the rain without someone to share his umbrella with.. unless we're both under the rain with a special kiss..

I have waited a long time to find someone to love and to be loved back. I always prayed that my soulmate will finally show himself. My Babycakes is worth the long wait... as he made my life perfect and complete when he came and joined me in my sad and lonely life... and now no day is lonely and sad because I know I have him..

Thank you Baby.. you're the best blessing I ever recieved in my life.. I Love You.. xXx

Unloved

In my 29 years in this lifetime, I have never felt so much pain as I am feeling right now. I can feel my heart breaking into pieces. And I am not sure if I will be able to find the strength to mend it all together. Or even just to stitch it back together. It's so damn painful that it made me do something impulsive which hurt me even more.

I have tried my best to be a good daughter, friend, sister, niece, and auntie. I have my differences of course as I am only human, but I know in my heart of hearts that I did try so hard to fulfill these roles. But I failed. I ain't a good daughter in my father's eyes... that I am too selfish and i have let the whole family down. Maybe he is right, because if I am a good person then why do I feel like I am being punished for something? I tried to do some good deed everyday to catch up on my sins. Yes...I am a sinner. I was not cleansed at all.. everyday I commit a sin. I lie to my residents to assure them that they will be fine.. I have to.. But I guess my good deeds can never compensate with all the wrong things I have done.

It hurts to know...and to feel that in your parents' eyes you're worthless. When everyday when you wake up you think about them, pray for their good health, pray that you will be blessed so that you can help them even more than you have. It hurts to know that the reality was never the illusion you have made yourself believe for the longest time..or in your lifetime... That you are loved by them, and you even believed that they were always in favour of you...then only in a split second everything explodes in your face. The truth... that you are UNLOVED.

And Time Revealed

Time... time signifies a lot in our lives. We need time to make sure we won't be late for work. We need time to do our chores. We need time to think. We need time to heal our broken hearts. We need time to reveal our deepest secrets. We need time to reveal our feelings. I thought I have beaten time, when I tried to keep things to myself for a long long time. Until one day time itself made it's move to make me reveal my deepest secret. It was a horrible feeling when you know you wanted to say it out loud, but you can't. You wanted to shout it out where everybody will hear you and would know what really is inside you, but you can't. Then one day, you just slipped with a couple of words and you had to explain yourself to make things clear. And there you are.. you have revealed your secret.

For eleven years I have kept it hidden within me. That I am in love with you. I have always been in love with you. I have kept you in my heart and I intend to keep you still. Who would not fall for you? You are the most kind and sweetest guy I have ever met. I will always remember how you always made sure I was okay. You would never forget to drop by my classroom to say hello and ask how my day was. You bought me a big bar of chocolate even when you knew I could never finish even a small bar. You were never bothered joining me and my friends when you never used to mingle with girls before.

Eleven years have passed, but all these are still so vivid in my memory. I can remember every detail. And I do miss the past, sometimes I miss it so much that I would just lay on my bed at night thinking about it all night long. Smiling and thinking as if I was there in the flesh. I miss you're being grumpy when things don't go your way. I miss when you're telling me off about something. I miss singing with you under the mango tree. I miss our little talks, even if the topic was very immature. I miss the times when we listen to our favourite oldies music. Or when you hooked me on a particular radio station. I miss the times when we would talk over the phone for hours. That sometimes we run out of conversation but we still listen to each other, and then laugh. I miss the times when we would just sit side by side, saying nothing, just sat their together quietly. hmmm it was more comforting than talking. What I miss most was when all your time and attention was mine and mine alone.

I have revealed my deepest secret just not so long ago. You have no idea how scared I was. As I was not sure how you would take it. For one reason why I kept it is because it might make you leave me. Like I told you, I have accepted the fact that things will never be different for us. I have never dreamed to be your girlfriend. All I want is to be a part of your life forever. And I can be a part of your life forever by being your bestfriend. Losing you all together is my greatest fear. And I was so scared that this will happen after I revealed everything. But you understood how I felt and promised that you will stay with me no matter what happend. Thanking you for keeping me is not enough. I assure you I will always be here. I will always be your bestfriend. I will always be your comfort zone.

Things have changed time had passed. You and I are now both grown ups and have been through a lot of challenges in this life. There was a time when you and I have not talked for months or even years. But after all this time and all this changes that had happend. There are some things that never changed. Our friendship. And my love for you. You and I will always be a part of each other's lives for a lifetime. Hmmmm a lifetime is way too short for me. Let's make it beyond a lifetime.

Now I guess all i wanted to say is thank you for being such a blessing in my life. For being so kind and sweet. For being my very best friend. I love you.. I will always will.. I am looking forward growing old with you.... and whoever our partners in life will be...

My Prayer

Father, I praise your name, I honour you with your glory. Father forgive me if in the past I have doubted your intentions. If I questioned your love and understanding. If I blamed you for my misfortunes. Forgive me Father if I was in so much anger and hatred in the past, that it went beyond the happy memories and the love I used to have. Forgive me Father if I only take the time to speak to you when I am in my deepest need. If I forget to go and praise you in your house. Father thank you for all the blessings you have given me in my whole 29 years. For the life, the love, family and friends. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayers.

Father I thank you for the chances you have given me to be a more better person. For the guidance and protection. Most of all, thank you for carrying the load when I can no longer go on. In times of my weakness, you are there to give me strength. In times of my sorrow, you are there to give me someone to make me smile. In times of loneliness, you are there to give me comfort. In times when I'm in tears, you are always ready to wipe them dry. In my times of happiness, you make a step back, though you never leave, you only wants to see me in my happiest moment alone. With you I always feel I am most loved.

Father I know you always love it when you see your children asking for so many things. You always love it when we need you at all times. Though sometimes with all the blessings you have given me, I tell myself.. I could not ask for more. But human as I am, I still end up asking.
Father, please carry on protecting me, my family and friends.. Eric and his family. Keep us all safe and healthy.. Don't ever let love leave our hearts.. Please bless my relationship with Eric, I know he came into my life for a reason. And I know why things are taking its time. For the first time in my life. I wasn't rushing things. Thank you for finally making me realize that I can never rush love. Your will be done at all times, Father. I know you only want to see me happy and contented. I will follow whatever it is that is destined by You. Amen...

Holiday in Heaven...

i always thought that running away from pain and worries is always the answer to all the questions i have in mind. it always worked for me, i'm afraid. in the past, i ran away from the deepest cut i had. moved on three years after got over it completely. six long years i waited to love again, when i did, got hurt easily, ran away from it once more. tried to find solstice from my own home. i was right, home will always be the best place to mend your broken heart. enjoy the views, the hot weather, friends laughters, family's happy memories.

whilst i was in an island from home, enjoying the blue waters and the view. i can't say i have forgotten the pain completely, as there are times when i can still remember it. but then again, time heals all wounds. i carried on walking forward, meeting new people, enjoying company of old friends whom i haven't seen for ages. deep in my heart i wished that one day.. somehow.. someway.. God will lead someone astray and i will find him. and if i do.. i will keep him and would never do anything to hurt him.

as my holiday was nearly ending, a blessing came my way.. i know God answers prayers, but i was not expecting Him to answer mine that quick. though as they say... all the things we asked for or we wanted never comes in one package.. He gave me someone to care for and to inspire me, to make me smile.. but He made sure that this time i won't fall just like that.. He wanted me to take things slowly this time.. to take my time.. our time.. to get to know each other better and to make sure what we feel will be the right feeling and will be on the right time and right place.. now i can say i am happy though we're not committed with each other at this point in time.. but thats the irony of life.. and God is working on us... on our future... Thanks for answering my prayer.. and for blessing me with someone like Eric... :)

Dinggin ang aking panalangin

nakatingin sa dagat
tinatanaw ang pag lubog ng araw
sadyang napakagandang tanawin
subalit sa puso ko'y may nadaramang sakit
kay gandang lugar ang aking kinaroroonan
subalit bakit ako nalulumbay?
sa isip ko ika'y ni minsa'y hindi nawalay
pinipilit ko na ika'y limutin
upang ako ay makawala sa sakit
at hapding nadarama kapag ikaw ay naiisip.
alam ko na ikaw ay malaya na
sa iyong nakaraan na nanakit sayo ng sobra
ikaw at ako ni minsan ay hindi nagkasundo
walang pag-uusap na hindi nagtatalo
kaya ngayon.. eto ako
nakatingin na lamang sayo mula sa malayo
ang makita kang naka ngiti
sa aking puso ay nagdudulot ng hapdi
pagkat alam ko na ang iyong ngiti
kahit kailan ay hindi dahil sa akin
eto ako ngayon nakatingin sa langit
naka tingala sa mga ulap at nananalangin
na sana ang sakit na nadarama ay mapawi
nitong maganda lugar na aking kinaroroonan
sana lahat nang sakit ay makalimutan